Terrible Movie Marathon #6 + #7

A Terrible Movie Marathon Double Feature!

Over the Top 

(Menahem Golan, 1987)

___________________

No Holds Barred

(Thomas J. Wright, 1989)

From Menahem Golan -- the director of The Apple and Enter the Ninja -- comes the film that began and ended the competitive arm-wrestling movie craze of the late 80's, Over the Top. Stallone penned this picture with screen and TV scribe Stirling Siliphant, most noted for In the Heat of the of the Night, but who also worked with a few other tough guys: Bronson, Eastwood, and Bruce Lee among them. Is it the best arm-wrestling/truck driving/father-son road movie I've ever seen? Sure. Honestly, the writing, while not inspired, is lifted some by the committed performance of Robert Loggia (as the relentless, growling father-in-law), and Stallone (errant father/pro-wrist grappler Lincoln Hawk) somewhat successfully goes for the understated approach that made Rocky Balboa such a memorable piece of character acting a decade earlier. Unfortunately, Linc's son, played by 80's TV vet David Mendenhall, is less convincing as the military brat resistant to the unhealthy eating habits and filthy truck driving ways of his long absent father. Then the arm-wrestling starts, and the boy's heart begins to melt. And while the battle for custody over the weepy brat continues, Linc has the amazing good fortune to compete in the ultimate Vegas arm-wrestling championship where first prize is...a new semi truck! Stallone and Siliphant were, at least, smart enough to script his primary competitor -- Smasher -- as a fellow truck driver, but just assumed the audience would have no problem believing any winner of the World Championship of Arm Wrestling would be happy with a new Mac truck. Over the Top features numerous needle drops so drenched in 80's schmaltz that by the time you hear Kenny Loggin's "Meet Me Halfway" for the eighth time you'll be turning your hat backward and grunting through the tears.

Jens Award for Best Dialogue

(Linc, while executing his signature "over the top" move)

"AAARRRAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"

Next up: from Thomas J. Wright, the director of such TV movies as Snow Kill, The Fatal Image, Hell Hath No Fury, Deadly Game, and Chrome Soldiers comes a World Wrestling Federation Motion Picture featuring Hulk Hogan as "The Ripper" -- No Holds Barred. In 1989 the world called out for a Hulk Hogan movie, evidently, and No Holds Barred was the answer to that plea. Unbelievably, the movie looks to be made by people who have neither the resources to make a wrestling picture or the know-how. Once you get over the jarring performances, the unrealistic and cheap set design, and the action/romance scenes pitched somewhere between "I Love Lucy" and Death Wish IV--once you get past the scene with the snorting waitress, the dwarf in the cage, the most revolting urinal scene ever committed to film, the untenable haircut/costuming on Hogan, and the rewind-worthy "dookie" scene (you'll know it when you see it)--only then will the question begin to sink in: is this the best the WWF could do? In 1989 did they have no resources to make a wrestling picture? The final "Battle of the Tough Guys" sequence (yes, that's really what it's called) takes place on what appears to be a reconfigured "Let's Make a Deal" set with about forty people in attendance. Where Over the Top believably posits a world where a Vegas arena is brimming with arm-wrestling fans, No Holds Barred--a movie made by the WWF!--couldn't get enough wrestling fans together to shoot a Hulk Hogan movie? Make no mistake: Over the Top is a terrible movie, but pairing it with No Holds Barred makes it seem like beautifully wrought melodrama.

Jen's Award for Best Dialogue

(Ripper to Chauffeur)

Ripper: What's that smell??

Chauffeur: D...d...d...dookie!

Ripper: Dookie?!?!

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